Last night I had one of the most important dreams of my life.
I dreamed I was back in college (1969). During this time I experimented with drugs and found a place that was so dark and so black that it began a series of off–and-on depressive cycles which lasted several years. In the dream a friend of mine from the present was helping me to resolve a problem. I apparently still was responsible for an apartment I had rented back in my school days (my dreams are often time independent). There was a troublesome family living there whom the landlord wanted to evict. He had a talk with me about it and it seemed that I was to take the blame for the activities of this family because it was my apartment. This lead to a series of events in which I was detained and questioned. Evidence was shown to an audience to determine if my conduct was worthy of a sane and reasonable representative of society. A movie was shown in which an entire group of people voluntarily walked into a small lake and drowned themselves. I was shocked because I was being held responsible for their deaths. The people in the movie, the prosecutor said, had been indoctrinated by me to take their own lives.
The feeling which accompanied this movie was a sickening feeling of dying and death. I felt like I had entered a black hole and could never get out. As I began to object, a folder was handed to me. As soon as I saw the folder, I recognized it as mine. It hit me right in the solar plexus: I was responsible. For in that folder was every thought of self denial a being could possibly have. I recognized each one and realized my responsibility for creating a stream of thought which others could then pick up on. I was told that I would be taken to a prison where the authorities knew how to deal with persons like me. This threat has always been my worst nightmare for I knew what was coming: torture, drugs, and degradation. I began to feel myself falling into a sickening vortex of death. This feeling is one which I experienced many times during my depressive cycles. My friends, it is one which I do not wish on any being, ever.This has happen
ed a few times in dreams since I changed my way of thinking and feeling about myself, but tonight it came to a crashing resolution.
As is my habit, when I dream like this I do not wake all the way, but attempt to re–dream the sequence of events and find the Light in the darkness.
As I reviewed the dream I realized the key to it was the folder. In that folder was documented evidence of my crimes, but what it really represented were my own horrible thoughts of self denial.
At first I could not even look at the folder. It simply regenerated the sickening feeling. And the worst thing: it was TRUE. Every document in the folder was an accurate description of my thoughts about myself and others. I knew I was guilty
So I infused the folder with light. I tried to keep myself, the dreamer, feeling as joyful as possible. And then something remarkable happened: the folder disappeared.
I was amazed. How could something so powerful and black simply go away? Then I understood. The folder was simply a representation of my own thoughts of self denial. These thoughts created a wall of resistance which kept out the Light. I was creating the darkness for myself.
Then I became the viewpoint of my True Self/Higher Self/Inner Being/God Self. I saw a part of myself wall itself off and enter the dark vortex. I acknowledged this decision with love and surrounded the vortex with golden–white light. I said to that portion of myself: "You are never alone. I cannot go with you into the blackness, for that is your conscious free will decision. But anytime you wish to experience who you really are, just reach out a little and you will find a cocoon of love."
I watched as the little extension of myself wallowed around in the vortex, until finally, it made the decision to no longer experience in this way. Instantly, the vortex was filled with light. It too disappeared like magic.
The scene changed abruptly, as happens so often in my dreams. I was surrounded by crowds of people, thanking me for 'blazing a trail.' At first I didn't get it . Then I understood that the crowd of people represented all those like me who have experienced the darkness in what ever form it took for them. I realized I had indeed found a way out, permanently.
I think that the feeling of dying is the most terrible feeling anyone can experience. The events surrounding this feeling may take a myriad of forms, but dying is the diametric opposite of Truth: because each one of us is eternal, immortal and filled with well being and joy. I realized with a bang, totally and completely this time, that it is impossible for consciousness to ever die. Yet we are able to create a 'model' or an experience of death, incarnated in these physical bodies, that is so real that it feels like our conscious awareness can be snuffed out.
But I understand now that death is a fantasy. A phantom. A joke. It can't happen! I became filled with a joy and light that felt so wonderful.
I lie there all aglow and realized I would have to write it all down. So I got up and wrote this.
There were two defining moments in this dream: when the folder disappeared, and when the vortex itself disappeared. It happened effortlessly and instantaneously. The Light simply fills the darkness and the darkness is gone! There is no great struggle, no battle between the forces of good and evil. On the one hand there is energy, and on the other a space which has been cleared of energy. I understood even more clearly that darkness has no power. Darkness does not even exist. Darkness is simply absence of light.
Light fills the universe and composes everything in existence. Light is the default. I can't tell you how good this makes me feel. I feel that I have gotten to the core of my "shadow side" and transformed it completely.
This dream came about because of a dinner party I attended the evening before. We were discussing our current activities when I felt a twinge of that old inappropriate feeling, which I experienced often as a teenager and through my 20's and early 30's. I have a unique vibe (as does everyone) but I had convinced myself that I was so unique and weird that no one wanted to listen to me or have anything to do with me. Growing up this feeling was so strong that it caused my brothers and sisters to behave toward me in ways that I found invalidative and distressing. But I realized again that my siblings were simply responding to my feelings about myself. They were a perfect reflection of what I thought about myself.
This dream caused me to become aware once again that every event in my life has occurred as a response to my own thoughts and feelings. If you try to explain that to people you might sound like a nut, but for me it has become so real that I cannot blame another for any experience I have. Even though I must interact with hundreds of people every day and I cannot control their actions.
For me, this concept results in a feeling of empowerment.