Humor

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Here is what the game of baseball might look like 20 years from now, if stadiums keep getting smaller and smaller and contracts bigger and bigger. This is a joke, of course! I used the Yankees because their stadium is one of the smallest and their contracts some of the biggest.

Welcome to the New Yankees Baseball

"Welcome to Yankee Stadium! It's the 2035 season and the Royals are in town for a 3 game series in the new, $10 billion ballpark, built just last year. You know Jack, some people say that the Yankees had to bribe everyone from the Commissioner to the water boys of every team to get this new ballpark built, but it's worth it."

“It sure is, Walt! And here comes ‘Gramps’ Texiera, the Yankees’ 63-year old first baseman. ‘Gramps’ just signed a new $1 billion 5-year contract, and the Yankees aren’t disappointed. Here comes the pitch. There’s a pop up – er, a LONG fly ball to deep center, and it’s gone! Way back in center over the 225 foot barrier.”

“Ol’ ‘Gramps’ now has 65 RBIs and 59 homers Jack, and it’s only the beginning of July!”

“Yes sir, people say it’s not fair that the Yankees get to play 81 games in this stadium, that it’s just a Little League ballpark. But it’s an even playing field for both ball clubs, Walt.”

“That’s right Jack! The Yankees are going to break every record in the book before the season is over.”

“Here comes the 62-year old Alex Rodriguez. There’s a high pop-up – er, a LONG fly ball to left and it’s gone over the 199-foot wall by the foul pole. Home run! That’s number 55 for Old Man Alex.”

“Yankee fans are going crazy Walt!”

“Some say the Yankees are demeaning the game of baseball Jack, but the purpose is to WIN. And that’s what the club is doing.”

“Couldn’t have said it better, Walt.”

“Well Jack, we have another barn-burner going. Yankees lead, 25 to 23 in the bottom of the sixth. The Royals’ pitchers are having a hard time getting anybody out. What do you say about Yankee critics who complain about the length of games in the new Yankee stadium, Jack?”

“Scoring! That’s what fans want! So what if the average length of each game is 5 hours and 47 minutes? There’s lots of runs being scored, and that’s what the fans like.”

[laughing] “That’s right Walt. And it doesn’t hurt the beer concessions either! There are over 1,000 vendors selling 64-ounce ‘Big Jugs.’ The club is making millions more from alcohol sales at $100 per beer!”

“Yes Jack. Yankee haters say the new stadium is causing a lot more accidents as drunken fans get in their cars and run people over, but that’s a relatively minor problem compared to how much fans are enjoying the new stadium!”

“That’s right Walt! Even though the YES network generates $14 billion every year, these new Yankee contracts have raised the payroll to an astonishing $23.6 billion per year. Why, the new $900 million 5–year contract to an aging C. C. Sabathia costs a pretty penny!”

“That’s right Jack. ’Ol C. C. can barely get the ball to the plate now, but in this glorious new stadium, the slower you pitch the more outs you get, so experience is at a premium. Teams learned real quick that even a foul tip off a 95-mph flamethrower can get over the walls here.”

“And that’s a good thing Walt! The fences are in so far, this new ballpark can easily hold over 120,000 fans. Less field, more seats, more fans, more drunks, more fun! It’s a great marketing strategy, and I’m astonished that no one thought of it before.”

[laughing]. “It’s the Yankee Way, Jack. The Yankees have always been ahead of the curve. All right, the Royals are bringing in the grandfather of their highly-touted flamethrower to pitch the rest of the sixth. And here’s the pitch! A fast ball at the knees for a strike against Carlos Beltran.”

“And here’s the pitch! There’s a ground ball up the middle and into center field. A base hit! But wait... the Royals centerfielder picks it up and throws the runner out at first.”

“Walt, in the new Yankee stadium the outfielders can position themselves twenty feet behind the infield, so there are almost no base hits now. Hardly any runners on base!”

“That’s right Jack. In the new Yankees baseball, we can dispense with boring stuff like ‘small ball.’ No more hit and run, stealing bases, double plays, throwing runners out, and sacrifice flies. Fans want to see the long ball because it’s more fun!”

“Walt, the Royals manager, Ned Yost Sr., is walking out of the dugout toward the crew chief umpire at home plate. He’s handing over something. This is very unusual.”

“The public address announcer is reading something Jack. Let’s listen in.”

“THE KANSAS CITY ROYALS REFUSE TO PLAY ANOTHER INNING IN THIS RIDICULOUS BALLPARK, AND ARE FORFEITING THE GAME. THIS STADIUM IS A DISGRACE TO MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL.”

“Walt, 122,000 Yankee fans are booing. Look! Thousands of them are running onto the field and the Royals players are fleeing for their lives into the dugout!”

“Jack, the fans have gotten hold of Ned Yost! They are pounding a wooden pole into the ground and tying the 87-year old manager to it!”

“They’re lighting a bonfire! This is the most entertaining baseball game I’ve ever seen!”

“Jack, Ned Yost is burning like a witch at the stake. Now Yankee fans are sifting through the charred remains of the Royals’ manager’s bones! Here’s our on-field reporter, Katy Strange.”

“I’m talking with a Yankee fan here from the Bronx. What are you doing with that still-smoking rib?”

“Taking it home and putting it on my trophy shelf Katy. We’re all celebrating another Yankees victory!”

“There you have it Walt! Tens of thousands of angry Yankee fans are now chasing the Royals’ players into their dugout and out onto the street!”

“Jack, this is the funnest Yankee game I’ve ever been to!”

“Yes sir. This is the new Yankees’ baseball in the new Yankee stadium!”